no good, very bad day

It was one of those days when things just seemed to keep going the wrong way.  The water heater finally gave up on life.  Much book keeping and accounting needed to be done and redone.  Ugh.  And then, G had a breakdown at his friends birthday party.  You might think I'd be most upset by the major appliance failure or the utterly dreaded book keeping fiasco, but you'd be wrong.

The party was at a museum and we thoroughly enjoyed looking at dinosaur bones, doing crafts and a few songs.  G was happy to wish his friend a happy birthday, meet some new people and check out some exhibits.  Then G saw the collection of presents.  His friends' mom had told me "no gifts" so I was unprepared for that and so was G.  If I had known ahead of time I might have been able to prepare him, but I didn't and he wasn't.  He insisted that he wanted the orange car he saw peeking out of a bag.  I explained we had plenty of cars at home and we would try to find an orange one when we got there.  It was a futile attempt.  He began crying and insisting it was his own birthday so he could also have presents.

We stayed a few minutes, trying to calm down and finally went outside to cry for another twenty minutes or so.  Finally he calmed down enough to go back and join the group, only to have well-meaning people try to talk to him and encourage him to be happy which sent him off into another bout of uncontrollable tears.  I got our bag and went downstairs.  He eventually calmed down.  We met the kids coming out and he said thank you and I said I'm sorry.  We walked down the hall and met G's dad and I dissolved into my own fit of tears.

It shouldn't be so hard, surprising or painful.  But sometimes, it just hits me head-on.  My boy doesn't know all the rules.  I try my best to teach him, but there are many many things he just can't grasp.  What's a yesterday, for example, and why on earth would I want to talk about it?  My birthday's in the summer... what does that mean, besides no presents now?  The word because... what's that all about?  There's so much more, mostly the abstract kind of things, like time.  It's really frustrating for G to live in a world where the rules don't make sense, or just seem plucked out of nowhere for the occasion.  It's also really frustrating for me to try to bridge the gaps, and when I fail, to try to scrape some sense of togetherness and understanding we can share so the world doesn't feel so harsh and cruel and random.

Today I was sad for G, that he couldn't enjoy the rest of the party and that he couldn't understand and make peace with his friend getting presents today.  I was worried about G causing stress or unhappiness for the other kids and parents at the party.  And, I was embarrassed.  And then guilty about feeling embarrassed.  I understand where things went wrong and I don't blame him, but sometimes I just want things to be easy, without the need to explain. I shouldn't be embarrassed.  What's wrong with me?!  I love this kid!  My buttons are bursting, I'm amazed by how much he's learned and how many steps he's taken toward the world most people inhabit.  And yet, an afternoon like today comes and I am the one who is unable to function because of communication barriers.  I am the one bawling in front of the ancient pottery shards while my now happy, curious boy wanders around drinking in natural history.  I need to remember I'm a work in progress as much as my boy is, and take a few minutes here and there to think about where I am, who I am, who I want to be.

We came home and talked about it.  G looked off to the side, obviously uncomfortable.  I don't think if we went to another party tomorrow it would be alright, but if we talk it through enough, tell stories about birthdays and friends and parties, we're bound to get there sometime.  I asked him to look at my eyes and listen while I told him I loved him.  Now I will have tiramisu and hugs and hope and prepare for a happier day.