half full

I've been wrestling with questions here.  Too many questions, not enough answers and an overall lack of good strong, appealing options to choose.  The lesser of two evils... why is that a choice I have to make for my kid?  Ugh.  And then I have to wonder, what if the amount of evil is less but the damage done by that particular evil is more intense.  The knots in my stomach are practically braiding themselves.

I've been thinking about Kindergarten.  Not for me, for the little guy, G.  The way things are set up, Kindergarten placement is in black and white.  Regular Education and Special Education.  I had been obsessing over hoping that G would be accepted into the charter program called Open Classroom where they encourage parent involvement and participation as well as different approaches to learning in general.  But we got a letter saying Nope! this past weekend, so I'm back to mulling over our limited options and researching the earliest date to reapply to Open Classroom for 1st grade.

What do I do when there is no good choice for my kid?  How can I reconcile with that?  I want things to be right, not bad or mediocre, not maybe, possibly pleaseGodpleaseGod okay.  If it was just me, it wouldn't be so huge, but this is my baby, who I treasure above all else and who I want to see shine to the best of his ability.  I'm thinking: It's the beginning of his education.  Everything rests on the next few years, right?  And then I realized that just because we think of school as the only place to learn, it doesn't mean that's accurate.  G has done most of his learning at home, the fun stuff like animal noises and strange fish anatomy as well as the really hard trudges through frustrating and confusing concepts like asking permission (how and when), the idea that not making a choice is still a choice with consequences, and that sometimes your favorite shirt is dirty and therefore unwearable.  School can be the extra, the addition to what we do at home.  That will work for us.  And if I need to show up frequently at school so that I can make sure things are going well and I know what's happening in the classroom bring by fresh baked cookies and craft supplies I found in the cupboard at home, I will.

I know I am an idealist in life and certainly as a mom.  It's not a bad thing, even though it can be frustrating.  It keeps me wishing and hoping and looking and adjusting my perspective.  Oh, how I wish that so many things weren't painted in black and white.  Would it be so hard to have integrated, combined kinds of education continue throughout elementary schools?  Why can't there be more alternative options.... homeschool groups that aren't formed based on religious beliefs, other public charter options, more different kinds of classrooms with different approaches?  Why is it a choice between not enough help and not enough challenge?  

G will keep learning and growing and charming the flowers out of the ground, just like he always has, and I will keep learning how to be as graceful as possible in the alien landscape of parenthood.