what ifs?

As soon as I had my fist kid, (actually as soon as I knew I was pregnant) the what ifs started plaguing me.  Every mom is familiar with them.  When we found out that G is not "like everybody else" I got a whole new set of what ifs to worry over.  Many of them are what I call worst case scenario what ifs, that are mainly a way for me to think through my own fear and grief about lost expectations for my baby.  But there is one that keeps coming back, and to me, it's a big one.  What if there's something wrong and G can't tell anyone?  It haunts me.  It keeps me up at night.  But until I mention it, hardly anybody else in his life even considers it.

A fairly mild example:  the school really pushed for us to have G take the school bus.  "All the kids go together and they love it!"  "He'll feel left out when he sees everybody else taking the bus."  "Are you sure?  The kids have so much fun!"  I said no.  He's never gone to school before, he's never been in daycare.  He's not used to going places without someone he's related to.  When I tell him things, I don't know how much of it gets through.  It runs through my mind again...  The bus pulls up, I tell G goodbye and help him up the steps.  He sits down in confusion because someone tells him to.  He has no idea where he's going.  He has no idea when he will come home.  He doesn't understand why I'm not with him.  He doesn't know who to ask for help, or how.  He cries all the way to school and hates school for the rest of the year.  Maybe he tries to run away. 

I don't know how much he understands.  So, if I tell him you are taking the bus to school and then you will go into your class with the teacher and have a lot of fun and then in a few hours you will get back on the bus and come home and see Mama and Daddy....  I don't know if he gets it.  He might hear "bus to school.... Mama and Daddy," and put those things together to mean I will go on the bus to school and meet Mama and Daddy there.  Things get lost and confused in our conversations.  So, there's no way I'm putting him on a bus with a bunch of people he doesn't know to go to a classroom he doesn't know how to get to if he gets lost.  If he really got lost and someone was trying to help him, the only thing I'm sure he'd be able to tell them is his first name.  That's not a lot to go on.  So, until I know he knows the ropes, until I know his teachers have some idea of what things are like in his little head, I will take him to school.  Plus, then I can peek through the window and see if he's making great friends or great messes.  Because, after all, he can't tell me what he did at school yet.